The Red Badge of Courage - Continued...

You may remember my mentioning that I had begun a soul-searching journey. A journey that I have taken before but as I approach a certain age I felt it was time to embark once again on an inner trip exploring where I have come from and where it is that I want to go. Well I have been traveling. I promised to send you a post card from time to time….

After coffee one morning with Matt It became apparent that I had really not charted a proper course through the back roads of Self Confidence but rather I had somehow taken a sly shortcut through the path of Self Doubt, Regret and Relying on Others for Approval. So after asking for my husband’s approval in some lame-ass and round about way for the 2 billionth time in this 21-year blissful relationship…I set out for a walk.

I won’t lie the pace was brisk and my temper had the best of me. Angry at him for not giving me the answer of “Oh my dear you are always wonderful!” But incredibly angry with myself for dwelling in such a hovel of self-depreciating behavior for so long. I set out with Nina’s iPod juiced up with her latest Halloween play list of spooky but lovely eerie music. I walked out of the little housing tract of suburbia headed straight down the road for this nature preserve/wooded area.

As I deliberately headed into the woods I felt like a child running away from home. “Ha – see if I come back!” I headed into the thicker part of the woods and it actually got a bit dark even at 8:00 am. I began to regret walking that far and thought to myself surely there must be some folks down on their luck that sleep out there at night and well, with the scary music playing, I began to feel very frightened. Still I walked further and instead of turning and ditching I decided to stay with the feelings of fear.

I took the opportunity to think of all the fearful things in my life. All the times that were frightening, all the episodes that I have imagined in my head that scare me. I walked and thought about everything that could go wrong or that has gone wrong in my life. I began to cry at the thought of all of those possibilities and the memories of all that had passed.

Somewhere between the kaleidoscope shadows of the trees and the eerie music I got the idea that I should leave all the misery there. Just leave those horrible feelings in the woods. It really seemed like the perfect home for my low self-esteem. It would be happy there in the woods with the ground ripening and the occasional breeze that rustled the trees in an uncomfortable and lonely way.

It was about at that moment when I felt a tightening in my throat and a clenching in my chest. I thought – oooh this is not a good place for a heart attack – no one knew I was in there and no one would ever find me! So I began to walk faster and I started coughing very hard. After what was an unverving amount of throat clenching and coughing I realized that this was my decision moment and that I needed to simply tell myself that I was through with looking to others for approval. I told myself that I was through looking at my self as less than what I really am – a very strong, talented and courageous woman that is capable and able to make my own way and that I am proud of where I have come to in my life right now with no regrets.

Absolutely at that moment the clenching and tightening released and I could see the clearing from the trees. I wiped away my tears and headed out into the clearing and climbed up the embankment back on the road and back into suburbia. I walked a way and then turned back to see the thicket of trees where I had left my low self-esteem. It was a beautiful place for all the feelings of being “less than” to reside. It made a perfect home for all of my regrets and doubts. I was free walking along the road. With every step I felt stronger and freer.

I had not noticed when I left that morning feeling angry that I had actually set out with suitcase in hand to deposit these old and tired feelings packed in the case. I had not realized that the anger that fueled my steps was my unwillingness to continue in this way for one day more.

I was back on the road to my life with one less suitcase to carry feeling lighter and much stronger.

Really Fun Tag Sale

I have been so busy and neglecting my blog and I apologize for that. However on the weekend we had our first Tag Sale. We invited customers from the shop and close friends to come and enjoy refreshments and spend the afternoon shopping for wonderful goodies at their leisure. It was a huge success and we will hold another Tag Sale on November 4th - just in time for Christmas shopping.

We featured all of our sale items in the Unique Sleepwear section of Soul of the Rose Gifts and of course had all of our usual product lines. This week I am shopping for new goodies for the store and if all works out I will have a really nice new batch of lovelies to choose from in Bath and Body, Children's and Women's Sleepwear that I am really excited about. Think feminine, think floral, think vintage and very hip. Oh and just for Christmas think chocolate too!

Getting to the half-way point...

At the risk of sounding like Bridget Jones:

Pounds Lost – 30! Inches Lost – 10.5!

That is a lot of weight for me to lose and I am very happy that I have made it this far. If I have not been updating this blog it is because I’ve been spending most of my free time trying to get in some exercise. I was walking about 3.5 to 4 miles a day but I have taken to swimming laps with my gal pals and we really like it.

I have had many mornings in my life pondering: "What shall I wear today?" Or more likely, "What fits today!" Now I am finding I have the same problem but this time the clothes are way too big! I have gone down more than 2 sizes and have already given away most of my clothes. It is already time to clean my closet out again!

I have taken to buying a lot of things at Target. I realize that this is not the house of fashion, but I cannot bring myself to spend $60 to $100 on a pair of jeans when I know I will not be in that size next month. Lucky for me it is mostly T-shirts and jeans from Target so I think I can get by like this for a while.

I promise to post a good before and after picture of the real me, but I decided not to dilute the effect with a halfway shot so you will just have to wait. I should reach my goal around the December. Oh, and no, I am not afraid of gaining weight during the holidays. I seem to have found a really nice way to eat for life and I really like the exercise too. I am hoping Santa brings me a beach cruiser bike! I still find ways to work in some of my favorite splurges – just not so much. Nina and I had s'mores over the fire pit last weekend and it was way yummy!

Comfort in a box...

I really like these. I just added these to the Gift Boutique at Soul of the Rose Gifts. I am a big fan of Sarah Ban Breathnach, I have read most of her books: Simple Abundance, Something More and her most recent Moving On. One of the consistent themes running throughout these books is the idea of making the time to take special care of your self – nurture your self. She suggests creating a Comfort Box and filling it with special goodies for yourself whenever your mood needs a lift.

I put together these adorable boxes packaged in our pretty little suitcases. They are filled with all sorts of fun everyday prizes that can make you feel special in a flash. You will find a designer toothbrush, floral pocket tissues, a beautiful box of matches for lighting your candles, honey soaps from France, Asian brocade lipstick or coin purse, floral note cards, fragranced bath salts and a cake of Clause Porto soap from Portugal. Each box is semi color coordinated so the display is really nice when it is opened. Once I sent Amy a box like this (filled with pink goodies of course) and she really loved it. I added pajamas to the mix to make it extra nice (what can I say – she is extra nice herself).

I think of the Comfort Box as sort of like a Christmas stocking – a treasure trove filled with wonderful necessities. This is a special keepsake box that you can always add to whenever you see fun little things here or there. It is a unique gift for a friend or a daughter. The items are all hand selected and sometimes vary depending on what we have in stock. Most importantly the items are all chosen with love and the anticipation of being enjoyed. Believe me these gifts are so fun to package!

If you would like a custom Comfort Box you can contact me through the Store or through this blog about creating a unique box just for you or your friend.

It's hotter n blue blazes in the desert

Crazy I know, but we went to the desert - Palm Desert area to be exact to check on some property. We congratulated my buddy Sylvia on her new home there. She is planning to move out there full time, after she sells her house out here. What will she do in that heat? I get a little panicky when it's 115 degrees and I can not get into the air conditioning! We go to the desert a lot but we are there vacationing - at the pool or the air conditioned movie theater. How do you live a full time life in that heat? Oh well I think she could cook up a cute little cactus get up like this one and not worry about the heat!